* Bhola was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Ramu asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto? Bhola: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'

* Bhola apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai. Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho? Bhola: I'm falling in love.

* Bhola was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

* Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary. Bhola: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi ...!

* Ramu: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai? Bhola: tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI

* Ramu: tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua? Bhola: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.

* Bhola: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye. Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

KIDS JOKES

TEACHER: What is the plural of mouse ? Pupil: Mice TEACHER: Good, now what's the plural of baby ? Pupil: Twins ! TEACHER: What's the longest word in the English language ? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters ! Teacher: Why did the frog say meow? Pupil: He was learning a foreign language. Teacher: What did the frog order at McDonald's? Pupil: French flies and a diet Croak TEACHER: Name four members of the cat family. Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens ! TEACHER:Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it? Pupil: It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead ! TEACHER: Give me three reasons why the world is round? Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so ! TEACHER: What is an island ? Pupil: A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side. TEACHER: On one side ? Pupil: Yes, on top ! Teacher: What do you call a sleeping bull? Pupil: a bulldozer! Teacher: Why do monkeys have big noses? Pupil: Because they've got big fingers. Teacher: What's a snakes favorite subject in class? Pupil: Hissssstory Teacher: What is black and white, black and white, black and white? Pupil: A zebra caught in a revolving door. Teacher: why are fish so smart? Pupil: Because they live in schools. Teacher: Why do birds fly south in the winter? Pupil: Because it's too far to walk Teacher: Why do birds fly south in the winter? Pupil: Because it's too far to walk Teacher: Why did the King go to the dentist? Pupil: To get his teeth crowned Teacher: Why did the King go to the dentist? Pupil: To get his teeth crowned Question: What kind of food do math’s teachers eat? Answer: Square meals! Waiter, this soup tastes funny ! Then why aren't you laughing ? Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup ? It looks like it's learning to swim sir Waiter, there is a small slug in this lettuce I'm sorry sir, would you like me to get you a bigger one ? Waiter, do you have frogs legs ? No sir, I've always walked like this. Waiter, there's a caterpillar on my salad Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge. Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ? Don't worry sir that spider on your bread will soon get him ! Waiter, this coffee is terrible, it tastes like earth ! Yes sir, it was ground yesterday ! Waiter, bring me something to eat and make it snappy How about a crocodile sandwich sir ! Waiter, is there soup on the menu ? No, madam I wiped it off ! Waiter, this egg is bad Don't blame me sir, I only laid the table ! Why do bears have fur coats ? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks ! What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar ! What should you call a bald teddy ? Fred bear ! What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear ! Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ? It lives on ice ! Have you ever hunted bear ? No, but I've been shooting in my shorts! How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts ! What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ? Tagliateddy ! Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo ? Because they'd rather go to the cinema ! What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala ! What birds spend all their time on their knees ? Birds of prey ! What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ? A headbanger ! When is the best time to buy budgies ? When they're going cheap ! How do you get a cut-price parrot ? Plant bird seed ! Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ? Because they're both full of stuffing ! What do you call a very rude bird ? A mockingbird ! Where do birds meet for coffee ? In a nest-cafe ! How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely ? With it's sparrowchute ! What is green and pecks on trees ? Woody Wood Pickle ! What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek ? Fowl play ! What looks like half a cat ? The other half ! What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ? She had mittens ! What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ? A carrot ! How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths! What is a French cat's favourite pudding ? Chocolate mousse ! What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby ! What did the cat say when he lost all his money ? I'm paw ! How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ? He has cat-arrh ! How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ? She's got that down in the mouth look ! What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ? An animal that puts you out a night ! Knock Knock Who's there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas ! What did one Angel say to the other ? Halo there ! How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" ! What do elephants sing at Christmas ? No-elephants, no elephants ! What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas ? Cross mouse cards ! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards ? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) ! What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ? Freeze a jolly fellow ! What party game did Jekyll like best ? Hyde and Seek ! Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ? A dog ate him in the hall ! What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ? Hope they were going as a fancy dress party ! Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball ! How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ? Chick to chick ! Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream ! Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ? It went with a bang ! What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ? Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with ! What do you call a scared biscuit ? A cowardy custard cream ! What do you call a man whose father was a Canon ? A son of a gun ! What do you call a man with two left feet ? Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round in circles ! What do you call a weekly television programme about people getting washed ? A soap opera ! What do you call a flock of birds who fly in formation ? The red sparrows ! What do you call a bee that is always complaining ? A grumble bee ! What would you call a friend who had an elephant on his head ? A flatmate ! What do you call a posh pig delivering newspapers ? Bacon rind ! What do you call a teacher who makes fireworks ? A head banger ! What do you call a man that drills holes in teapots ? A potholer ! Why did the boy become an astronaut ? Because he was no earthly good ! What do astronauts wear to keep warm ? Apollo-neck sweaters ! Where do astronauts leave their spaceships ? At parking meteors ! Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar ! How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep ? You rock-et ! Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes ? You see, it had no atmosphere ! How do spacemen pass the time on long trips ? They play astronauts and crosses ! Where does Dr Who buy his cheese ? At a dalek-atessen ! Who is tall, dark and a great dancer ? Dark Raver ! Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before ! What part of a football pitch smells nicest ? The scenter spot ! Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space ? Because there is no atmosphere ! What's the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford ! How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner ! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin ! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies ! What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks ! Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar ? All of them, a crossbar can't jump ! Why are football players never asked for dinner ? Because they're always dribbling ! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ? Because he liked sole music ! A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet." A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "So I'm looking for the seal." A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" A four year old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail." What Famous Philosophers and Others Might Have Said If Asked... Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken, depends upon your frame of reference. Learn About Einstein! Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Learn About Aristotle! Plato: For the greater good. Learn About Plato! Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Learn About Marx! Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Learn About Machiavelli! Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Learn About Hippocrates! Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Learn About Jung! Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Learn About Sartre! Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Learn About Wittgenstein! Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Learn About Darwin! Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Learn About Emerson! Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. Learn About Heisenberg! Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Was there a chicken? Learn About Pyrrho! The Sphinx: You tell me. Learn About the Sphinx! Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Learn About Twain! Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Learn About Cosell! And here are a few more, just for fun! Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road! But why it crossed, I've not been told! Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. And that chicken would have had to walk barefoot five miles in the snow just to get to that road too! They just don't make them like that anymore! Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway"? Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Colonel Sanders: What? I missed one? Bet you didn't know..... • It is impossible for most people to lick their own elbow. (try it!) • A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. • A shrimp's heart is in its head. • In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or attempted to do so. • It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. • The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is believed to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. • If you sneeze too hard, you could fracture a rib. • Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. • Wearing headphones for just an hour could increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. • In every episode of Seinfeld there was a Superman somewhere in the picture. • In the course of an average lifetime, while sleeping you might eat around 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders, or more. • Some lipsticks contain fish scales. • Cat urine glows under a black-light. • Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. • The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing (when using the proper position of the hands on the keyboard; Hunting and pecking doesn't count!). • A shark is the only known fish that can blink with both eyes. • The longest one-syllable words in the English language are "scraunched" and "strengthed." Some suggest that "squirreled" could be included, but squirrel is intended to be pronounced as two syllables (squir-rel) according to most dictionaries. "Screeched" and "strengths" are two other long one-syllable words, but they only have 9 letters. • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". • Almonds are a member of the peach family. • Maine is the only state that has a one-syllable name. • There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. • Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. • In many advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life." • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. • The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. • Most people fall asleep in seven minutes. • "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Answering Machine Messages We're not home, we're rarely home, and when we're home, we're on the phone, so please leave a message at the tone! Twinkle, twinkle little star How we wonder who you are. Leave a message at the beep. We'll call back before you sleep. Twinkle, twinkle little star, Betcha you're wondering where we are. You have reached an answering machine. This is the new millenium. You know what to do. Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. So, with that said, here are the detailed instructions for leaving a message for me........ You have reached ###-####. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, so speak freely at the beep. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Thank you for calling ###-####. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (said very fast:) Hi, this is ###-####. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and .....BEEP This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. (in a Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm! Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future. You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy confusing the people of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron. Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's tabloid. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. (For Shakespeare lovers) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. This is ###-####, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though. Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye. These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile.... I can't come to the phone now, so if...... well........ actually, I CAN come to the phone NOW, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but you're listening to it LATER, except, for you, I guess it's really NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like....ahhhh, just forget it.